When teens seem like they’re overreacting it’s important to remember that they’re less able to manage big feelings, like anger, than adults are.

While “rage attacks” can be scary, they are not usually a sign serious mental illness and are more common than parents realize. Parents should try to see teenage anger as a normal part of being a person. The goal shouldn’t be to stop teens from feeling anger, but to help them find safer, less harmful ways of expressing it.

Teenage problems can seem silly. But to your child, the feelings they cause are real and painful. When your child is ready to talk, let them know you take their feelings seriously. Do your best to ask questions and listen without trying to “solve” the problem.

How to Cope with Teen Anger

As parents, being verbally abused by our teenager yelling and screaming at us can be stressful and cause us to want to react. However this is the time we need to remain calm and do our best to become understanding.

1. Understand that feeling extremely angry is often a very distressing experience for teenagers.

They aren’t simply “choosing” to be badly behaved, they are experiencing overwhelming feelings and strong biological changes in their bodies/brains at that moment.  They feel out-of-control and a desperate desire to get control back.  They are often experiencing intense desire to fight/hurt something or someone.

If we had their brains hooked up to monitoring machines we would see real changes – part of their brain is telling them they are being attacked by a tiger and they want to fight back.

If you take one thing from this article, please remember this:  an angry teenager is a distressed teenager.

Knowing this can help us not take it so personally and to stay calm ourselves.

2.  While the teenager is angry, try to stay around the teen – or at least be in the same house.

Don’t crowd or invade privacy, and don’t risk your own safety – but don’t leave them entirely alone for a long period of time.  Some teens are at risk of hurting themselves when they are very angry and it is important to keep an eye on them and ensure their safety.

3. While your teen is very angry, don’t try to problem solve or teach them a lesson.

Remember – when teenagers are very angry, part of their brain is in “attack mode“.  Systems in the brain which do fighting and defending have been activated.  This also means that systems which do the complex learning, communication and thinking have been shut down.  It has been said that we are just as unlikely to “get through” to an angry teenager as we are being able to teach a fighting dog to learn to sit.

4. Instead, empathize if you can.

Instead of reasoning with, arguing with or yelling at a teenager, take a moment to calm yourself.  Say silently to yourself “my teen is distressed”. Then out loud – say something caring and supportive.

“I’m really sorry you are feeling this, it must feel pretty awful to be so upset.”
“I can see you are very angry, I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

Don’t labor the point.  Say this once or twice and then stop.

5. Try to help to activate other areas of their brain to help them calm down.

Calming a very angry teenager is the first priority.  Here are a couple of ways to do this.

Distance – get them to move physically away from the source of distress if possible.  Get into another space – outside, in another room, away from people.  Go with them – or if this seems to make things worse, tell them where you will be and check in with them.

Distract – help them add other things into their mind – Sporting events, family functions, ideas about the weekend, quizzes, other activities etc. They will be resistant to this, so break it into manageable bits:

“I know you still feel really angry, but I would really like it if you would agree just to spend five minutes to get something to eat and take a breath.”

“I’m not going to just forget this issue altogether, but before we do anything I think it would be good to take a break – how about you go and play basketball outside for a few minutes and then we can talk again.”

6. Boundaries

While doing all of the above, it is still important to set limits.  If teens are verbally abusing you, tell them you are going to move away into the next room and will come back in a few minutes.  If teens physically threaten you, tell them you will also move away.  Tell them you won’t be able to do anything else (including making their dinner, taking them places) until you have a chance to calm down yourself and recover.  If you feel as though a teenager might harm someone, immediately call the police.

-I can’t talk with you while you are screaming at me.  I’m sorry you feel so bad, but I’m going to leave the room and come back in a minute.

-I feel very upset to see you so upset.  But you swearing at me is going to make things worse, so I am going to sit in the car for a while unless you think you can calm down pretty quickly.

-If you throw anything else, I am going to have to leave.  

-I’m sorry that you are upset, but if you hit me or anyone else, I will have to call the police/uncle X/someone else in order to make sure things don’t get any more unsafe.

7. Follow up Later

Some parents struggle with the approach with the outlined above because they feel as though the teenager is “getting away with” bad behavior.   This is where this “follow up later” step is really important.

At some time when everyone is calm, the teenager is then required to have a follow up conversation about what happened, what went wrong and how it can be done differently next time.  No teenager ever wants to do this, but it needs to be a no choice activity.

It can be done via email, letter or face to face – it might be done with a mediator, or with another supportive adult – but it needs to be done.  Much of the conversation is questions NOT just a lecture.

Asking questions will help the teenager make changes more consistently than just “telling them off”.  Questions which might help include:

-What made you the most angry
-Were you feeling hurt about something?
-What didn’t I really understand?
-What do you think my concerns were?
-How could we have done this differently?

After these questions, the parent should outline their own concerns.  The parent/teen can then discuss how things might be managed differently next time.

8. Teach repair

It is very important to teach teenagers how to repair relationships when they have acted in aggressive or abusive ways.  As parents we often feel deeply hurt by teenagers and it is vital to coach, explain and teach teens how to repair.  This is partly so that we feel better (which means we can parent better) and partly to help teens know how to do this in their other relationships.

Teaching repair skills means teaching teens to apologize (the words to say, when and how), how to be kind following an argument, how to quietly acknowledge hurt (what to do, and not to do) after an argument (i.e. not cheerfully asking for money three seconds after saying sorry!) and other skills.

In conclusion

Finally, anger, frustration, irritation, and even rage are all part of being a person. But if your teen’s anger is having a negative impact on their life, or if there’s violence, it may be time to seek some help.

Also read:

The 5 Benefits of Therapeutic Boarding Schools

Help for Struggling Young Adults

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If your teen’s anger is taking over your home and you’ve have exhausted your local therapy and resources, please contact us to learn the benefits of residential treatment for your family.

Sources: Child Mind.org, DevelopingMinds.net.au

The post Why Does My Teen Yell and Scream at Me first appeared on Help Your Teens.

Dealing and coping with teen aggression behavior can be challenging for parents. In some families this goes much further, and parents find themselves subject to verbal or even physical aggression.

While it is tempting to put this down as just a phase, nobody should have to put up with this kind of treatment.

Is your teen:

-Quick to anger or lose their temper?
-Do they rage or become explosive?
-Do they have outbursts for no reason?
-Is your teen moody and judgmental?
-Does your teen anxious or sad?

Anger is an emotion that is quite often challenging for teens and at times can be overwhelming. A teen who does not know how to cope with angry feelings may feel a strong desire to act directly on these feelings, even when it puts them or others at risk.

Dealing with Teen Anger and Teen Aggression

1. Stay calm, until after the storm.  Do not take it personally. As difficult as this is, it is likely your teenager’s anger is not directed at you, but they are venting their frustration since they believe they are not being heard. Many times, their anger has little to do with their parents, it could be something with a friend or even their online life.  It is important not to let their anger become your anger as strong feelings can be infectious.

2. It is time to listen carefully. While listening to your teen’s anger, try to understand what is really going on beneath what they are saying and feeling. While you may hear, ‘I hate you! Leave me alone!” try rephrasing it to ‘I’m really hurting and trying to manage it on my own. I feel like you don’t trust me!” Just the act of listening to them can help lower the emotional temperature and bring the room back into balance.

3. Learning coping skills for anger management. Teach your teenager adaptive coping skills. Learning stress coping strategies, such as meditation, deep breathing and reappraising the situation, is a great way to handle and prevent angry feelings.  A daily exercise regime is often recommended, such as walking, jogging or even yoga or Pilates. Learning ways to manage their anger and stress will benefit them throughout their entire life.

If your teen continues to have problems with aggression or outbursts of anger, it may be time to seek professional help. Locating a therapist that specializes with adolescents is your first step.

Also read:

How Behavior Therapy Helps Teens With Anger.

 5 Benefits of Therapeutic Boarding Schools.

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If you have exhausted your local resources and your teenager is still struggling with anger, rage and destructive behavior — contact us to learn how residential treatment may benefit your family.

The post Dealing with Teen Aggression Behavior first appeared on Help Your Teens.

Does your teen have difficulty controlling his anger or rage? Does s/he resort to using aggressive behavior or does s/he yell and quickly lose control? If so, you’re not alone.

Nearly two-thirds of U.S. adolescents have experienced an anger attack that involved threatening violence, destroying property or engaging in violence toward others at some point in their lives. These severe attacks of uncontrollable anger are much more common among adolescents than previously recognized, finds a study led by researchers from Harvard Medical School.

Strategies to Help Teens Safely Express Anger

The challenge in helping explosive teens is keeping them safe while they learn ways to recognize anger and deal with it more constructively. There is a great deal that parents can do to help an angry teen learn ways to successfully cope with anger, here’s how to help your teen deal with their anger:

• Participate in physical activities. The impulse to do something physical when feeling angry is strong in most teens. Involvement in sports and other exercise helps in expressing anger on a regular basis.
• Hit a punching bag. Teens need safe ways to get their anger out, a punching bag works well, so does hitting a pillow repeatedly, or using a foam padded bat.
• Take a time-out or time-in. When anger escalates teens may need time alone to calm down and yell, cry or whatever is needed so they stay safe and others are not negatively impacted.
• Get into music. Popular with most teens, music works well to help teens identify and express feelings of anger, whether through singing, dancing or playing along with songs filled with rage.
• Identify triggers to anger. The better your teen can make the connection between what leads to angry outbursts, the more control they’ll have in expressing this emotion.
• Creatively express angry feelings. Both writing and drawing can be used effectively by teens to express and understand anger.

Calming a hot-temper is not only teachable, but also essential for growing up in a sometimes violent, unpredictable world. Besides, eliminating this behavior will do absolute wonders in creating not only a teen who is far more enjoyable to be with, but also a more peaceful family. If you’re consistent you’ll be able to help your teen learn a healthier way to handle their anger.

When a troubled teen still isn’t able to get a handle on their anger it’s time to consider getting professional help to get to the root of their anger and learn ways to manage these feelings.

Excerpts from Dr. Michele Borba’s book of THRIVERS.

Read: How Cyberbullying Effects Teenage Mental Health.

Read: 5 Benefits of Therapeutic Boarding Schools.

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If you are struggling with your teenager’s anger or rage and have exhausted your local resources, learn more about how residential treatment can help your troubled teen learn coping skills to handle anger management. Contact us today for  a free consultation.

The post Anger Management Help for Teens first appeared on Help Your Teens.

Teenage anger is a normal part of adolescence and can be a healthy emotional response to outside stressors. Anger is a secondary emotion for teens as it often masks other underlying issues including sadness, hurt, fear, and shame. When these underlying emotions become too much, a teen will often respond by lashing out.

“I don’t care what you say! I am doing what I want to do! I hate you and you just don’t want me to have fun!” “All my friends are allowed to stay out late– you are mean and want to ruin my life!” “You have no idea how I feel and you are only making it worse!”

Does this sound familiar?

-Is your teen entitled?
-Struggle with ADHD, ODD?
-Do they disrespect you?
-Do they backtalk you?
-Do they swear at you?
-Are they destructive in your home?
-Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?

When a difficult teen is out of control, they only can hear themselves and what they want. It is usually their way or no way!

There are so many factors that can contribute to these feelings. The feelings are very real and should be addressed as soon as you see that your child is starting to run the household. Teen anger may lead to teen rage and teen violence which can soon destroy a family.

Anger is an emotion that is quite often challenging for teens and at times can be overwhelming. A teen who doesn’t know how to cope with angry feelings may feel a strong desire to act directly on these feelings, even when it puts them or others at risk.

Is your teen struggling with:

• Depression (anxiety)
• Internet or gaming addiction
• Self-harm
• Substance use (vaping)
• Changing peer groups
• Withdrawn, isolating from family and friends
• Loss of interest in hobbies

These could be signs of your teenager is suffering with a mental health issue that needs to be addressed. It’s time to seek professional help from an adolescence therapist or school counselor.

Parents tell us constantly that they are looking for a boot camp to achieve their mission to make their teen pay for the pain they are putting the family through. In some cases this can create a violent teen.

We feel that when you place a negative child into a negative atmosphere, most children only gain resentment and more anger. We do not recommend  boot camps.

Also read:

5 Benefits of Therapeutic Boarding Schools

Goals of Therapeutic Boarding Schools

Why Therapeutic Boarding Schools Are Effective

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P.U.R.E. believes in a positive peer culture for teen help to build your child back up from the helplessness they feel. Learn more about therapeutic boarding schools that offer enrichment programs such as animal assisted therapy to help young people learn coping skills for anger management.

Contact us today for a free consultation about how to find the right therapeutic boarding school for your teen.

The post Why Is My Teen Quick to Anger and Rage first appeared on Help Your Teens.