“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“It’s me, Mom.”
“Go away!”

Not exactly the response we want, is it? I literally wrote the book on How to Talk to Kids about Anything and yet, that doesn’t give me the magic button to make it all easy with a 14-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son. And yet, we must get talking.

The science tells us these 3 truths whether we are referring to discussions about sex, suicide, money, friendship and more.

• Kids want to talk to parents about important, awkward, hard subjects.
• When kids talk to their parents about tough topics, they are less likely to engage in risky behaviors. 
• When kids don’t talk to their parents about tough topics, they are more likely to engage in risky behaviors.

So how do we open the door when teens are often closing them on their paths to individuate, gain privacy and spend more time with friends?

1) Take the chance: Get awkward. If you haven’t talked to your kids about tough topics, the ones people usually put a big THE in front of—THE sex talk, THE tech talk, THE drug talk….”start. You may not get it all right (you probably won’t, who does?) but when you start, you crack the door open. You are saying, “I want to talk. I’m willing to talk. I’m able to listen. I’m here.” You may be surprised by their response and what they take in. There have been times when I thought my kid was barely listening and then, a few weeks later, I hear them relaying my exact words to a friend. Our words penetrate.

2) Look for the lobs: Perhaps your kids, like mine, sometimes lob up an opportunity to talk about difficult topics. It happens in a moment—and can easily be missed if we aren’t fully plugged in. For example, a few weeks ago, I was sitting in my car with my daughter when she said to me, “If I went to a party when I was like, 16, and there was drinking there—and I drank- would you just be so furious with me? Would I get in so much trouble?” It was a test. You see, it’s in these moments that we can either show yourself as their safe person or as their warden. What do you really want them to know? Here’s what I said, “While you know how I feel about underage drinking, the one thing I would absolutely want you to know is no matter where you are or what time it is—it could be 3am 3 towns away- that you can call me to come and get you no questions asked. You will never get in trouble for asking for help to stay safe and away from harm.”

3) Move from lecturer to listener: It’s so easy to go into a tough talk with an agenda—wanting to hit on several points so that your child knows what they need to know to make the safest, most fair, or what you view as the “best choice.” However, your child may be coming from a different perspective or with different information that sways their interpretation of what the “best choice” is. Instead, listen. Ask powerful questions. “What do you think?” “What do you know about this topic already?” “What would you say or do?” or even “What am I missing in the way I’m viewing this topic these days?” Your children will appreciate your desire to learn from them rather than always be in the position of “safe,” and you’ll likely get a lot further with the conversation.

4) Ask for advice: Along the same lines, your child may have the perfect guidance for a friend’s kid, if you ask them their opinion. Giving this “once-removed” scenario takes the pressure off of them and allows them the gift of perspective. “Nicole’s 4^th grader, Riley, is having a lot of problems with her friend group…she’s being left out because of XYZ. Her parents don’t know how to help her, and Riley is miserable.” Allow your children to respond and use their unique position as someone who may have recently gone through a similar situation to provide insight and suggestions. Young people love to be asked for their outlook and appreciate being valued for what they can offer.

5) Start where they are—and with who they are: Some kids are more scientific while others are more visual or auditory. What works best to open-up conversation with your kid? Some might respond best with a story. “Did you know that Oprah was fired from her first job for being ‘unfit for TV news’ before making it big with her own show? Often it takes several tries before people see and appreciate your unique gifts.” Others might open up when you start with a statistic. “I read a study that said that the majority of kids but age 11 have seen porn. Is that surprising to you?” Still others might do best reading a note or going back and forth with a parent-child journal, watching and responding to a video or viewing a movie with you and discussing it afterwards. When we start with our children’s communication style in mind, we can find the conversation flowing better.

Our kids want this information, and they want it from a trusted source—us. Many young people don’t feel that they have at least 3 people to turn to in a time of need or challenge. Let’s be one of the 3—and know that to be in that coveted position, we need to get awkward, be creative, listen and keep trying.

When kids know that we want to talk about the tough stuff, even when we don’t have all the answers, they realize we are all in it together. And above all, know that a closed door doesn’t always mean we are shut out but rather, we need to keep on knocking and showing up.

Learn more about Dr. Robyn:

Known as the “Conversation Doc,” Dr. Robyn Silverman is a child and teen development specialist and author of the [forthcoming] book, How to Talk to Kids About Anything, as well as the host of the popular podcast of the same name. She is a cofounder of the Powerful Words Character System, which gives educators the talking points they need to help children become kind, responsible citizens of the world. 

Dr. Robyn has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS Early Show and Nightline and has been quoted in the New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, CNN.com, and many other publications. She lives with her husband, two kids and fuzzy rescue dog who loves sunning himself on their front steps, even in the summer heat of North Carolina.

Find out all about the book at DrRobynSilverman.com.

The post 5 Ways to Start Tough Talks with Closed-Door Teens first appeared on Help Your Teens.

I used to think the toddler years were hard until we had teenagers. Toddler years are taxing physically, but the teen years can be challenging in a different way. Teens are finally back in school, in person, and life for them is returning to normal.

My daughter attended her first high school football game, and it almost brought tears to my eyes to see the student section where there were cheers, smiles, and laughter for hours. This return to normal also has shed light on just how complicated our teens and their lives can be. They are balancing school, extra-curriculars, family, and a social schedule much different from the last 18 months, and with continued concerns about Covid and social media, it’s a whole new realm.

Our teens need us now more than ever, but how do we strengthen a relationship when most days it feels like we are the last ones they want to talk to or be with? Communication is the key to your relationship, and although this is a daily work in progress at our house, here are some helpful tips:

TIMING

Finding time to connect with your teens can be challenging, especially if it seems like they are always in their room with the door closed. It can be an adjustment for parents who may have been the go-to for stories about their day, friend problems, or homework questions to have that role suddenly shift to their friend group. This is normal, albeit difficult.

Try to carve out time when you notice they are open to talking. We have found that to be in the car, because we spend a lot of time there. If we are both in the front seat it also helps with those difficult conversations when they don’t have to make eye contact.

Timing is also about being available, and often it is not on our time schedule. I have learned that when one of my teens wants to talk or tell me something, I should drop everything and become available because the opportunity may not come again.

Ideally, you also want to time tough conversations when both you and your teens are calm. Try not to get emotional or stoop to their level if they are being rude or passive aggressive. I have a mantra I repeat in my head during those moments, Do not engage. This is a reminder to stay calm and try to model good communication skills. This doesn’t always happen, but it is a good goal.

LISTEN

It can be our first inclination to want to share all our advice and wisdom with our teens. This can be helpful especially in demonstrating we weren’t perfect and made mistakes, but the most powerful tool for this age group is to listen more than we talk. Listen with understanding and without judgment, and try to stay open and interested.

Another trap parents fall into after listening is we to try to solve their problems. Try to resist that urge. Give them the opportunity to solve their own problem or help them come up with ideas, and to understand some of their decisions will have consequences. We do them a huge disservice when we are constantly trying to save or rescue them from their decisions or mistakes. As painful as this can be to watch, it is part of growing up and how they learn to survive as adults in the world.

TRUST

The key to good communication is trust, which goes both ways. This is especially true when building bonds with our teens. We recently learned our daughter lied to us about her plans, and when confronted and asked why, she said she didn’t think we would let her go. We shared that she didn’t give us a chance, and we would always prefer having an open dialogue as opposed to sneaking around.

There will be a lot of things we would rather our teens not do, so establishing trust and open communication is so important. Teens want to be taken seriously, so look for ways to show that you trust them. One way is by asking for a favor or letting them do something, which shows you rely on them and trust them to do it.

I fully acknowledge these tips are much easier to write than to implement, but don’t give up — you can do this! Parenting teens is hard, so having a good, trusting relationship is more important than ever. Take a deep breath, and put yourselves in their shoes. They aren’t perfect, and they will make mistakes; our job is to help guide them and to constantly reassure them that we will be there for them through their triumphs and their stumbles.

Printed with permission by Liz Farrell. Originally published on Marina Times.
Check out Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen for helping understand today's teenagers.

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The post Tips for Talking to Your Teen first appeared on Help Your Teens.